You are what makes sense to me

Standing in the middle of an undending pasture
I look at the greens all around me, that what surrounds me
I look up at the sky, the blue that overwhelms me

My eyes move around, seeking the horizon
Far ahead, there where the green meets the blue
That what I seek, that where I want to be

The sunrise and the sunset, all the same
Where the earth meets the sky
The furthest my glared vision can show me

I take a stride, forward, behind, left, right
Directions don't matter, the step is what that matters
An initiative I coax myself to take

One, two, three, four...
My weary, unsure, uncertain feet carry me

A driving force that calls out from somewhere within me
Deep inside which says You are what makes sense to me

Five, six, seven, eight,.....
A step more, two more or hundreds
And I will be where I want to be, there where I need to be
There where my mind and my heart will become one

My teary eyes still seek it
Far ahead, the distant
But my feet refuse to carry me
The unceasing space, the distance

A mirage, a hoax, a hopeless heart

Forever

Forever. That's how it'll be.
Always. Because that's "destiny".
The fate that I have resigned myself to.
Some shed tears for unrequited love.
And some cry for the hope that slips away.
Right through the life.
Like sand slips through the closed hands.

You waited for me through everything.
Through the rejection and the uncertainty.
You waited for me with your hands extended.
But I could never hold it and tell you.
Tell you what you mean to me.
Tell you that I want to love you through all eternity.
Just let you know, I am not your bad judgement.
Your love is not lost. Nor is it wasted.
It will pervade through my being for all my life.

Forever. An impossible reality.

Hopes & Hazards II

It feels good. Feels good to feel it again.
Just the idea of you being there.
Whether you know it or not.
Just love that feeling.

But it's just a matter of time.
I know. I can feel it.
It's just a matter of time and it'll all fall apart.
Just like it always has.

My illusions. My hopes.
If only there'd been a reality in them.
A possibility. A future.
I would have tried to hold on.

Have tried my chances though.
Reasoned with myself.
Convinced myself to end it. Once and for all.
Failed everytime. Starting to believe I love my own misery.

Never meant to be

The void, the emptiness

Seems like it's going to last a lifetime

Times change, people change

They move on, maybe I'll do that too

But I want it to be right now

I don't have the strength to go on

I want to blame you for everything

For what has been

And for what could have been

If only there'd been no beginning

There'd have been no end

And without it, there'd have been no pain

I know I've hurt you

I know I've not bothered to understand it

But there's been a reason

My own pain just overwhelmed me

Always, every time

I should have, but I couldn't look beyond it

Through all the four seasons

We've tried to hold it together

Held on to it, without nurturing it

Held on, just coz we couldn't let it go

As cynical as it may sound

But perhaps, it was never meant to be

Wrapping it up or Whatever

Life's not fair, whoever said it was

A pretty harsh thing to say

For a tragedy as small as this

Wouldn't agree completely right now

Yeah, I so don't agree right now

But then again, there are greater probably greater tragedies in life

It's better to have loved and lost

Than to have not loved at all

Wouldn't agree to this one either

Yeah a person wiser than me

Someone more mature

Someone who's seen life

Someone who's lived life said that

Who am I to comment on it?

They were stronger than me perhaps

But they probably didn't live through the same tragedy again and again

I am exaggerating my pain, the tragedy

But it doesn't seem enough still

I read this somewhere

What would you do

If the only person who could make you smile gives you tears

I wouldn't agree to it

There's never like a single person

But then there are people always

Who care for you, who love you

But who hurt you, shatter you

Unintentionally, maybe, yes maybe at times

But yeah they just have to hurt you sometimes, to get you back to the truth, the reality

So wrapping it all up, it hurts

It hurts so bad, feels so deserted, forsaken

I know I have been a coward

I know it, I have just been trying to hang to what is there already

I have never had the courage to look beyond

Never had the strength to make it on my own

Just have been looking for someone else to fall back on

But it's high time, I took the ends as new beginnings

They say every cloud has a silver lining, I so hope it does

Sorry

I hate what happened today.
It didn't go the way I thought it would.
That's probably the reason why I feel bad.
And also the fact that you just seem to mislead me. Unintentionally maybe.
But still it hurts. To crash so hard.
Gone through this feeling.
More than once. More than I should have.
But it pains every damned time. The same if not more.

I don't want to blame you.
And I don't want you to blame me.
But that's the only thing that happened today.
That's how i feel. You insisted that wasn't the case.
But I could sense it. Maybe you haven't realized it.

I couldn't let you go. I couldn't keep you.
And in the end I just hurt you. And ended up all messed up.
I am scared. I told you this.
But I still feel you don't really get it.
The barrier just doesn't let me get past it.
I haven't tried at all I know. But still I know my limits.
That's where I falter but then you are blaming me for something else.
I'd rather if you blamed me for the right reason.

You said a lot of things today.
Was amazed at how you saw right through me.
But you missed a lot too.
And the things you overlooked, I couldn't seem to put them to words.
I don't want to muse over this. Not any deeper than I currently am.
What's the point of anything if you already know the conclusion.
This is the end and for a better reason.
Something better than that lingering hope. Or the hopelessness perhaps.

Didn't want to hurt you like this.
I just took a chance. Towards something uncertain.
Knowing well enough I'd hurt either or both of us.
And managed that pretty well as it is.
Just wanted to say I am sorry.

Wake me up. it's still a dream

Maybes. That's probably what my world hinges on.
I never thought I'd be writing something for you.
To tell you the truth, I never wanted to.
Even now, I wish could change something.
Something that will clear these words from the paper.

But, some things just happen and there's nothing I can do.
And, other things don't seem to happen and again there's nothing I can do.
Maybe it wasn't something to have made it happen,
But if it was, then maybe that's where I faltered.
I was waiting, hoping so bad.
But finally it seems, it's time that I have happened to run out of.

I still don't want to let go.
I still want to hold on.
I don't want to see any reason, I just don't want it to end.
But maybe it shouldn't carry on either.
I remember telling you, I wished it hadn't begun.
And the only reason is that the end is unbearable and so abrupt.
I just didn't see it coming.

I always thought I was strong.
But then this is not the pain I am used to.

I always thought illusions were tougher.
But I guess memories are as painful.

I will miss everything that we shared.
And the things we couldn't.

Another chapter

A chapter in my life. With it's share of smiles, laughs, chuckles, smirks, winces. The joys and heartaches that a thing called love brings along.

You III

It's been a while, I've been trying
Trying to prove to you
That your existence means nothing to me. Not anymore.

Maybe it affects you, maybe it doesn't
All of it hinges on one single fact
The fact whether you know
Or choose to see what you mean to me
That you do mean something to me

It's been a while,
Or maybe it's been for the time as long as I can remember
That I have been trying to know,
To figure out whether you do mean anything to me at all
Or is it just my desire to find bliss in the feeling of love or something like that

All the while I try to understand the reality,
The truth or the way it projects itself to be
I let myself be battered by your brutal honesty
Or maybe the perfect camouflage that you wear
To hide every strand of truth

At the end of it all,
I hate you for everything you stand for
For the reality of your existence
And I hate myself for failing to understand
The reality of my feeling or its non-existence

Am I still in love?
Have I fallen out of love?
Or, was I never in love?

You II

You have always been like that, I guess
It's all my fault trying to find someone
Someone who just isn't there, never was and never will be
All I wanted was for you to hold my hand, listen to my heart
A dream for me, an impossible reality for you

Just when I had gone back to where I was
You came back again to give me some false hope
And again when I began living my illusions
You retreated back into your world of insanity
I find joy in your smile, but all you could offer me were tears

You I

I have always been in love with you, I guess
Your smile, I don't know why, just seems to light me up
Your words just float in my mind
The more I think of you, the more I fall in love
The more I deny it, the deeper it gets

I never thought I'd say "I love you"
All through I thought, it's just not me to fall in love
Making myself believe it's all a fairy tale
Emotions, feelings suppressed so much
So much so that I didn't even know they existed
But yes, "I love you", it's so true
It's true even though I have been trying so hard to deny
It's true even though I have never let you know

If I say "I love you", you'd say "You don't even know me"
Maybe I don't want to
You didn't give me a chance
But I am so happy loving you, maybe as little as I know you

You changed so suddenly
You ignored me, treated me like I didn't matter to you
So I tried to do the same, pretend you were the last person I cared about
But it is so tough to pretend, so tough to live a lie
I am so in love with you

So many miles in between us now
I am running after a lost cause
But then again my feelings get the better of me
I keep on thinking about you
Your first words to me still keep ringing a pleasant sound in my ears
Hoping against all hopes I'd be with you someday

"I love you"
But you'll never know, for I'll never tell
For even if you knew, I guess you'd never care.

A series

The "You" series
This is something that started with no hope, then false hope and then total hopelessness and disillusionment.

Wander

The wandering mind. The meadows of thoughts.
Wandered far, wandered wide.
The heart and the mind, but they stay put.
They are where they were.

Friends come. Friends go. I stay forever.
Just an attempt not enough. Or not.
More fields to roam maybe, paths already again to trudge along.
Time again to condemn the guilty.
To point a finger at the person glaring at you from the mirror.

Time again for a change. Finally for the better.
Time again to make a new beginning.
Close all, every chapter truly. To open my mind.

Make it possible

A tussle within. A fight to break free.
An attempt to look beyond self.

It's all so easy. So easy to be drowned in your own trials and tribulations.
Drowned in your own fears and insecurities.
Overwhelmed by your own hurt and pain.
Distressed by your helplessness and need to acceptance.

Just look around. Everyone is fighting a battle of their own.
It's only to you that your battle seems like a war.

A need to get out of your containment. Your confinement.
A need to acknowledge.
Acknowledge life. Acknowledge everything it brings with it.
Not in hopeless despair. But with a warrior's soul.

A need to let yourself be healed.
As you move forward to pull others out of their misery.
A need to decide that you want to overcome and live.
Not be buried as one more lost soul.

Defeated?

My mind and my thoughts. Distanced once again.
A need to acquaint the two all over again.
I seem to have stopped thinking, stopped communicating with whatever lays inside the hardened skull
Maybe it is all for the better good
For after all, I am an escapist
But still for a reason, I miss it all
For every moment of my insanity that were. I still miss my utterly painful self-deliberations

It has always been a strange, unfair world out there
Liars and hypocrites swearing on their honesty
Why the need to shout out your tribulations. To certify them in front of whom?
Just because you keep your agonies to yourself, you are judged unfeeling

I do realize am trying to hide my faults again. Judging people in a way I feel they judge me
Letting the heart cloud the reasons of the mind
Crucifying a person for the hatred I invited onto myself
It's true, am so scared of the lies and the hypocrisy around me
But I still manage to live. And I will for the time destined
But will I survive? All the while, as I grow more and more scared of my own self

Hopes & Hazards

It had been quite some time, since I talked to myself last
So I took some time out, to delve into the realms of my mind

As I walked in, things were almost like they used to be
Confused, dazed, isolated, hypocritic, just looking for an escape
Just one ray of hope, though
They aren't so unaware like they used to be

There were times when I thought I knew what I wanted out of life
Times when I thoughr I had nothing to complain about, fight about
But I was so wrong and so unprepared that I faltered on the very first battle
From then on, it's been a downhill for me

I don't want to admit it, but I am still in that free fall
Just waiting to crash on the hard, rough ground
Yes, I pity myself at times, at others I blame everyone around me, so unable to find joy in someone else's happiness
Why does life make us cynics and pessimists, or is it just me?

By now you must be wondering
If I am mistaken about the sunlight in the hollows of my mind
But I think not, it's so true that hope lives on as long as you do
Now I am ready to take a chance, take a risk, and seek the fulfillment and joy that I have yearned for, for so long

All together

Felt like I needed to collect my write-ups together at one place and so here they are.